I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
