I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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