I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
