What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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