So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
