For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
