my phone needs a breathalizer
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Randomize
