Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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