I wish I could teleport
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
