phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
