Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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