she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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