You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
