Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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