I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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