I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize