I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
