No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
