I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
