he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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