when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
