Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
