OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
