In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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