Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
