**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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