I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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