checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
