Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize