Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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