i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
