one might say we're banned from that church
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
