The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
