Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
