Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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