martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I need to calm my uterus...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
