do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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