I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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