oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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