He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
