why didn't you poke me back
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
