I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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