Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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