I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
