I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
