and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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