I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
