Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize