OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
