Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm so fucking centered right now
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
