i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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