His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize