this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
