Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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