Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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