Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
