The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
