Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
