I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
