I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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