either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
