I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
