There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
